uncharted terriTORI by Tori Spelling

Author:Tori Spelling
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2014-03-31T17:01:45.594819+00:00

An Imperfect Marriage

People watch Tori & Dean and think that we have a perfect marriage. They tell us so—in person or in comments or on Twitter—all the time. It’s true that we’re a loving couple, but we’re human and definitely not perfect.

The show keeps us busy, and we both have side projects. I’ve taken on several other businesses and projects, and Dean had made his interest in motorcycle racing into more than a hobby. Our careers were in a different place when we met: we were both jockeying hard for auditions. Now work is stable and we’ve responded to that stability differently. I’ve become a workaholic and Dean has become a motorcycleholic. That’s the simple way of putting it, but it’s more complicated than that. For instance, one thing I’ve noticed is that the more I advance professionally, the more I retreat in my personal life. I apologize to Dean constantly. We both reach for the milk at the same time: “Sorry!” Stella raises her hands for me to pick her up instead of Dean: “Sorry!” I wake up with a headache: “Sorry!” I have to take a phone call: “Sorry!” I said “sorry” too many times this morning: “Sorry!” If somebody bumps into me and nearly knocks me over, I’m the first one to apologize.

All this apologizing drives Dean crazy, and rightfully so. But I can’t stop saying it. It’s like a tic. I’m not genuinely sorrowful about any of those things, but I compulsively apologize. I want everyone to feel attended to, nobody to be angry, everything to be okay. It’s as if my constant apologies can make up for some greater sin that I can’t properly address, like I’m saying, “Look, I don’t have power! Nothing goes to my head! Don’t worry! I promise I’m just a weak little girl!” So my busy mini mogul days, days where I’m making decisions with confidence, are punctuated by this weird self-undermining.

There’s no reason for me to act weak for Dean. My success doesn’t bother him in the least. The truth is that even if my power did make him uncomfortable, Dean isn’t around to witness most of my efforts to build my businesses. What is Dean doing while I’m doing all the nonacting work that doesn’t interest him? He’s riding motorcycles. Or maintaining motorcycles. Or buying motorcycle gear. Or talking about motorcycles with his friends who race motorcycles.

The motorcycle issue is my fault. I started it. Or at least revved an engine that was idling. Dean rode motorcycles in his first marriage; his wife wasn’t cool with it; he quit. Then I came along. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be all-accepting. I wanted to make him happy. So for Father’s Day I rented him a motorcycle. Nice move, Tori. I did this knowing full well how swept up Dean gets in his hobbies. I’d already almost lost him to scuba diving. And I knew how dangerous motorcycles are. So why did I get him started? Am I an enabler? Was I sabotaging us? I should have known better.

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